


Lost Without You

by Namastiel



Series: Season 15 codas [5]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: 15x19 coda, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Pining, Post-Canon, Post-Season/Series 15, Sharing Clothes, Sharing a Bed, Temporary Character Death
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-14
Updated: 2021-03-21
Packaged: 2021-03-21 18:55:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,485
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30026325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Namastiel/pseuds/Namastiel
Summary: Let’s pretend for a minute that Supernatural ended with episode 15x19. Here’s another rendition of what happens after.They should be happy, but Dean is angry, heartbroken and stuck in a loop of guilt, self-hatred and sadness, because the angel’s words are seared in his brain and have changed him for the better, but he also knows that Castiel wouldn’t be dead if it weren’t for him. He can’t seem to find a way to bring him back, so what happens now? Does he try to move on, or will he finally have to deal with his many years of repressed feelings?
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester
Series: Season 15 codas [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2078604
Comments: 3
Kudos: 19





	1. I think I'm lost without you

**Author's Note:**

> Hello :)
> 
> Who would have thought I'd be here 4 months after the show ended to post my longest Destiel fic to date? Not me, that's for sure. I considered myself a slow writer, so being able to get so much out in less than a week is a miracle itself. The idea for this started with a short scene that you'll find in the next chapter, and somehow grew into this.  
> I was aiming for a One-Shot, but it's becoming really long, and splitting made sense because of how different this first part is from the rest. I'm currently planning for 2 chapters only, since I haven't finished writing yet, who knows?!
> 
> The song quoted in the title and beginning of part one is Lost Without You by Freya Ridings. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy it!

_Hits me at full speed  
Feel like I can't breathe  
And nobody knows  
This pain inside me  
My world is crumbling  
I should never have  
Let you go_

_I think I'm lost without you  
I just feel crushed without you  
I've been strong for so long  
That I never thought how much I needed you_

__

Dean has been hovering around room 7B ever since they stepped back into the bunker, five days ago. It’s been seven days since they beat Chuck, and ten since Castiel was taken away.

Once Jack had brought everybody who had been snapped away by Chuck back, they had stopped by Eileen’s first, and she had almost been suffocated to death by Sam’s big arms. She had promised to come visit them soon, explaining that she just wanted to give them some time to breathe after the big fight. _And some time to mourn_ , Dean had thought, even though nobody dared to talk about the fact that Castiel was gone, because nobody but him really understood what happened that night. Sam, of course, had kept asking, until Dean had snapped:

“I told you he sacrificed himself Sam, and the Empty took him. What else do you want me to say? Don’t make me relive that night.” Something in his tone must have been enough, because from then, Sam had stopped asking. At least for the time being. They had also visited Charlie and her girlfriend, Jody, Donna and the girls, and even stopped by to have a drink with Bobby on their way back to Lebanon.

Ever since, Dean has never been too far away from that room, but never actually crossed its threshold. Sam had been in, and had planned on cleaning up the blood sigil on the back of the door, as well as the few drops on the floor, but Dean had yelled had him, telling him he’d take care of it, and Sam hadn’t pushed. Dean knew he wanted to, that the quiet meals together and the afternoons looking for information on the Empty were already driving him crazy. That he was going on longer runs now, and spending more time on the phone with Eileen to distract himself from the fact that even though Chuck was gone, it felt like they weren’t moving on.

For the first time in a long time, it feels like they’re drifting apart, because Sam is mourning his best friend, and the many people they’ve lost along the way, also somewhat mourning Jack’s absence, but he’s also finally at peace and ready to do something else with his life. Meanwhile, Dean is angry, heartbroken and stuck in a loop of guilt, self-hatred and sadness, because the angel’s words are seared in his brain and have changed him forever, made him a better person, but he also knows that Castiel wouldn’t be dead if it weren’t for him.

So he’s managed to avoid that room for five whole days, but now he feels like he can’t stay away. He’s been waiting for Sam to go to bed to leave his own room, and now that he’s been gone for almost an hour, hopefully asleep by now, Dean feels like it’s time.

As soon as he steps into the room, it’s like the air is punched out of his lungs. His knees feel weak, and he can barely make it to the wall the angel had pushed him against that night before he collapses. He’s sitting on the floor now, in the very spot he was the only time he actually let himself cry for Castiel, as he had been paralyzed by the shock of everything that had happened a few minutes before.

He takes a few deep, shaky breaths, brings his knees closer to his chest, and put his hands on top of them, brings them together in a praying gesture before he realizes that he can’t get any words out. He takes another breath, hoping to release some of the pressure in his chest and throat, but the only thing that comes out his a loud sob. He lets his forehead fall against his hands, and he’s grasping his knuckles so tightly that he’s probably going to end up with bruises. The first tears finally fall from his eyes, followed by many others. He can’t move, but all of a sudden, he can’t stop the words from coming out.

“Hey Cas… I don’t even know if you can hear me, but I just need to talk to you. There are some things I need to say, there’s just so much that needs to come out since that night. I hope… maybe you can hear me. I really hope you can.” He’s forced to stop talking for a second because he’s breathless, the sobs now wracking through his body. “Castiel” He starts again and he knows he sounds desperate, pleading, and he really hope Sam isn’t going wake up and come find him. “I need you back. I swear I’m trying to find a way, we’re looking every day, but I can’t seem to find anything. It’s only been a week and we’ve been busy, so I’m trying to keep my head up. Jack has had seven days to bring you back though, so I don’t understand why you’re not here. I know he said he was going to be hands off, but I thought he’d make an exception for you. Maybe he can’t. But I don’t want to think about it, because if he doesn’t have the power do it, there’s no way I do, and I can’t accept that. I don’t want to give up on you Cas. Chuck’s gone, we’re finally free and we should be happy. You should be happy too. You should be here. I can’t focus on anything else when you’re away. Hang in there buddy, okay? I don’t know how long it’s gonna take me, but I’ll get you out. There’s still so much I need to tell you but I hope you heard all of that at least. And I hope I can see you soon. _I need you_.”

Once he’s done praying, he lets his head fall against the wall behind him, drained. The tears keep rolling down his face, but the sobs are quieter now, as if talking to the angel had helped lifting some of the suffocating pressure he has been feeling. He doesn’t have the strength to move yet, so he stares at the spot where Castiel was standing when he said he loved him. He keeps staring for what feels like hours and he can’t unsee the angel’s face, his eyes full of tears, and his beautiful smile as he uttered those words. Dean feels like he won’t ever be able to stop crying, but he knows it’s better to let as many tears as possible out now, so he can pretend that he’s fine when Sam looks at him tomorrow. He just wishes he had brought some whiskey with him, but he had been afraid to drink the whole bottle before even stepping into this room. Cas deserved better than a drunken prayer.

After a while, only forty-five minutes according to his watch although he feels like he’s been sitting there all night, he finally manages to drag himself to his bedroom and smiles when he sees Miracle waiting for him by the door. He gets under the covers and pats the empty space next to him, eager to have the dog cuddle against him, slightly filling the void in his chest. Emotionally drained, he quickly falls asleep, thinking of blue eyes and a smile full of tears.

The following morning, Sam and Dean are almost done eating breakfast in a peaceful silence when they hear the sound of the bunker door, and someone slowly walking down the stairs. Sam bolts out of the room first, excited like a puppy, because they’re expecting Eileen to arrive later that day, so he assumes she’s just early. Miracle is following, wagging his tail, curious to see what’s going on. Dean is more careful, and grabs the gun taped under the kitchen table. With Chuck gone, Heaven and Hell in order and Jack watching over the world, he can’t imagine what monster would dare coming directly to them, but a hunter can never be too careful. He brings his coffee mug with him, determined to finish drinking it and feel completely awake, but drops it when he finally enters the war room and catches a glimpse of black hair and a trench coat engulfed in Sam’s arms in a bone-crushing hug.

The sound of his mug shattering as it hits the floor is enough to end the embrace and have both figures turn to Dean, who feels like the world has stopped turning.

“Cas?” He manages to whisper, breathing heavily.

“Hello Dean.” The angel replies softly, avoiding his eyes, and that’s all Dean needs to hear before he can move again, heading straight into Castiel’s personal space, slowly raising a trembling hand to touch his cheek. He slowly tilts the angel’s chin up and their eyes finally meet.

“You’re really here.” He says, his fingers softly brushing the angel’s skin.

“I heard your prayer.” Castiel whispers, then adds with a shy smile: “I always come when you call.”

Dean chuckles at his words but it’s so full of tears that only a broken sound comes out. He pulls the angel against him, gripping the back of his trench coat and drops his head on his shoulder to breathe him in. He can feel his whole body shaking, but for the first time in weeks, he feels alive. Castiel’s arms are carefully circling his shoulder as the hug lasts longer than usual, and he can feel that the angel seems a little distant, not holding him as tightly as he has in the past, but hugging him nonetheless.

Miracle circling around them to sniff the angel is what ends up making them let go of each other and they realize that Sam is staring at them, barely repressing a smile, while he’s picking up the broken mug pieces. 

“Miracle, this is Cas. He’s family. Cas, this is Miracle, he lives with us now.” Dean says, crouching down to pat the dog’s head reassuringly.

“You got a dog?” Castiel asks, raising an eyebrow but smiling at the way Dean introduced him.

“Long story. I guess we should catch up on everything.” Dean replies, before he quickly heads to the kitchen and starts another coffee pot to ignore the butterflies that disturb him when he looks at the angel. Castiel and Sam exchange a glance and follow him. As soon as they’re all seated around the table, Sam starts asking questions:

“So, Cas, it’s so good to have you back!” He says, clasping the angel’s shoulder as he sits next to him. “How did you get out? It was Jack wasn’t it?”

Castiel nods with a proud smile, and tells them about Jack rescuing him from the Empty, promising to make it quiet again in exchange, and sealing it forever to make sure nobody else could go in and wake the entity up. He tells them about rebuilding Heaven together, focusing on the task for what seemed like a short time, before he realized that several days had passed on earth. He doesn’t mention the prayer from the previous night because he suspects that Sam doesn’t know, and catches Dean’s grateful look.

However, he remembers visiting a part of Heaven that had been abandoned for centuries with Jack, deciding what to do with it, when he was suddenly hit with an overwhelming wave of guilt, sadness and longing. He didn’t take him long to recognize the soul reaching out to him, and he shut everything else out to focus on Dean’s prayer.

Castiel had then reopened his eyes, surprised because he hadn’t remembered closing them. After being in the Empty, even for a short time, it’s taking a bit of time to readjust to his body. They’re in Heaven, so they could technically only use their true forms, but Jack and him both have a sense a familiarity with their human bodies that they’re not ready to let go of. Jack says it’s keeping them human and grounded, and they need to remember that if they want to be better than Chuck.

Castiel had let out a sigh as Dean’s words and pain are still vibrating through his body. He had tentatively glanced towards Jack, and had seen on his face that he had heard the Winchester as well. Of course he had, Dean had said his name so he had been too curious not to listen, but even if he hadn’t, he was everywhere. Everything. So he knew.

“I’m sorry Castiel.” Jack said, surprising the angel. “I thought I was doing the right thing.”

“Jack, what do you mean? Of course you’re doing the right thing.” Castiel replied, even if he was not sure what Jack was referring to. He can’t think of a single thing he has done since he became God that wasn’t right. He was amazing, fair, and Castiel couldn’t be prouder or more honored to be by his side.

“I thought not interfering with them was for the best, but for a second, I forgot the pain losing you had caused them. And I didn’t realize that you were unhappy.”

“I’m not.” Castiel replied, even though he sounds hesitant and Jack can probably see right through him. “I haven’t been this happy in Heaven in such long time. This place has never been so perfect.”

“But you would be happier in the bunker with them.” Jack states. “You’d be happier with Dean. I can feel how much you miss him now.” He adds, calm as ever.

“Jack, it’s not your fault. You rescued me from the Empty when I thought I would never get out. You offered me to work with you, rebuild a better Heaven. You did everything right. Of course I miss them, especially Dean. But they’ll arrive eventually.” The angel said with a sad but peaceful smile.

“But you don’t have to wait. I can send you there. You should at least go tell them that you’re back.”

Castiel hesitates, then asks: “Would you be fine with me staying there?”

“Of course. After everything you’ve done for me, for the world, you deserve it, more than anyone else.” Jack replies with a smile. “If you choose to go back, You have to know I can’t send you there with your grace though. We've shut down the gates for a reason.”

“It’s okay Jack, I’d be happy to become human.”

“It will just be temporarily though. You’d get to live and properly enjoy a human life with them, but as soon as you come back through the gates of Heaven, you will be reunited with your grace. I’ll keep it safe for you.”

“Thank you Jack. For everything. This is more than I could have ever wished for.” Castiel says his voice full of emotion, before hugging Jack.

“I wouldn’t be born if it weren’t for you. I wouldn’t have had a family, and I would have been taken by the Empty the first time I died if you hadn’t been there. I’ll always be grateful for you Castiel. Now let’s finish our work on this place so I can send you back to our family.” Jack says as they let go of each other.

Once they were done, there were no goodbyes because they knew they’d be reunited eventually. Castiel had simply closed his eyes, felt his grace leave his body and had fallen asleep for a few seconds. When he woke up, he was just a few feet away from the bunker’s entrance.

Upon hearing Castiel’s story, Dean sends a quiet prayer ‘ _Thank you kid, um… Jack. Thank you so much. I’m sorry I doubted you, I’m so proud of you.’_ He spares a glance towards Sam and can guess in his look that he just did the same thing.

They spend the rest of the morning catching up, the Winchester telling their side of the story of how they defeated Chuck, and when Sam mentions that Dean is the one who decided to not kill him, because they were better than that, he doesn’t miss the look that his brother and the angel exchange, and the proud smile on Castiel’s face. 

Dean makes PB&J sandwiches for lunch, for Cas and him only, completely ignoring Sam who probably wants something healthier anyway, and the younger Winchester can’t find the strength to complain, because it’s the happiest his brother has looked in a really long time, and as Eileen gets closer to arriving, Sam can’t stop smiling either.

As soon as she arrives at the bunker, the atmosphere gets even lighter, full of smiles and laughter as they can finally all just enjoy spending time together. They decide to head out for dinner, because being free and reunited is definitely worth celebrating, and the three hunters agree on letting Castiel choose what he’d like to eat as it’s been a long time since he’s been able to enjoy food. When he declares that he _really_ loves burgers, he’s immediately rewarded by a proud pat on the shoulder from Dean, and the way the hunter beams at him makes his heart skip a beat.

Dean picks a random city, about 2 hours away from the bunker, because it’s been a while since he has just enjoyed driving on the open road with him family while belting out classic rock. They agree on a nice steakhouse with a promising menu, get dressed and are all piled up in the Impala within minutes. Sam and Eileen are in the backseat, because sitting next to each other makes it easier to communicate. And that way, Dean and Cas who are in the front seat and keep stealing glances at each other, don’t realize that they’re being made fun of in ASL just behind their backs.

At the restaurant, the beer is great, the food is amazing and the evening definitely feels like a celebration. So when they finally drive back to Lebanon, sated, the ride is much quieter with everybody but Dean dozing off. It’s not that late when they finally get home, but the days has been so full of surprises and emotions that they all agree to go to bed once they arrive at the bunker. Unsurprisingly, Sam and Eileen quickly disappear toward his room, leaving Dean and Castiel in an uncomfortable silence.

Cas can’t help but think about the hunter’s prayer from the night before and wonder what else Dean needed to tell him so badly. He’s been standing close, catching his eyes occasionally all day, but he’s also been avoiding his stare, and now that he thinks about it, Dean’s always made sure to leave whatever room they were all in first so they wouldn’t be left alone, just the two of them. The revelation feels like a punch in the gut, although he had accepted a long time ago that the hunter didn’t love him back. He feels sad, but tries to focus on the fact that Dean’s reaction to his confession could have been a lot worse. He was willing to give him all the time in the world to process, because they didn’t have Chuck breathing down their necks anymore, or another apocalypse to prevent, so they didn’t have to rush things. He had felt the desperation in his prayer, heard that Dean still needed him, still wanted him in his life, even after all the feelings Castiel had unloaded on him that night. So, as far as the angel was concerned, that was enough. The fact that he hadn’t ruined their friendship by declaring his unconditional love to the hunter was more than he could have hoped for.

“I’m gonna get a beer. You want one?” the hunter finally asks.

“No, thank you. I’m pretty tired, and I forgot what it felt like. I think I’ll go shower and head to bed. Goodnight Dean.” Castiel replies with a sad smile.

“Night Cas.” Dean whispers as he watches him leave.

Castiel spends a long time under the hot spray, finally enjoying the bunker’s water pressure again and how it relaxes his whole body. He wraps himself up in a towel and head to his room, and can’t help but spare a glance at the closed door as he walks past Dean’s room. _He’s been through a lot, he needs time but we’ll get to talk eventually_ , Castiel tries to reassure himself.

As the open the door to his bedroom, he smiles when he sees clean bed linen folded at the bottom on his bed. He hadn’t even thought about how long it’s been since his sheets had been changed, considering he hasn’t really used the bed in years. As he takes a closer look, there’s also a well-worn t-shirt and pajama pants that he knows belong to Dean and his smile gets bigger as warmth spread out in his body. The hunter must have stopped by while he was in the shower, and his thoughtfulness is enough for Castiel to sigh happily as he gets ready for the night.

His eyes have been closed for a few minutes, feeling the slumber quickly taking over, when he hears soft, almost shy, knock on his door.

“Come in.” He says, and can’t help the flutter in his chest when the door opens to reveal an embarrassed Dean Winchester.


	2. I can't dream without you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean prayed and now Castiel is back from the Empty. They could be happy now, right? 
> 
> Chapter title and lyrics quoted are from Harlow's Song - Good Charlotte

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I said this was going to be a One shot that I then decided to split into two chapters, but turns out there are three chapters now? I'm almost done, I promise. Hope you like it :)
> 
> Tags have been updated!

_And tomorrow when you wake_   
_I'll be next to you_   
_From protection from the day_   
_When the tears fall down your face like morning dew_   
_I'll be there to put a smile on your face_   
_And I'll say_

_I don't wanna live this life without you_   
_I don't wanna spend a night without you_   
_I don't wanna know what it's like_   
_I can't dream without you_

Dean slowly walks up to Castiel, almost hesitantly, and sits on the side opposite of the bed. He’s turning his back to the angel who can only guess his posture in the dark, but he can feel how tensed the hunter is, even though he’s avoiding his gaze. After a minute or so, he lets a long sigh out, slightly turning his body towards Castiel, but keeping his head low. He doesn’t say anything. 

Months ago, this wouldn’t have necessarily been a problem. They used to spend a lot of time together, without talking. Castiel understood that words weren’t always necessary and because they knew each other pretty well, silence wasn’t necessarily uncomfortable. 

Now though, there’s just too much going on, between Chuck, Jack, Castiel not letting him know about his deal, Castiel confessing his love to him, Castiel dying. The angel is surprised because he knows he’s unloaded a lot on his friend all at once, but the usual angry reaction that he expected, which usually comes when Dean has to processed unwelcomed news, still hasn’t happened. The hunter just looks lost, and Castiel isn’t sure how to deal with this silent rift that he’s created between them. 

He looks up at his friend, taking him in for a second before he realizes that everything in his attitude screams how exhausted he is. There’s something else too, that looks somewhere between worry and fear, and he barely catches it since the only source of light is coming from the hallway, through the gap around the door frame.

“You look tired.” He finally says. 

“Couldn’t sleep.” Dean immediately replies. He finally meets his eyes, and Castiel understands, even though the hunter doesn’t actually say the words _‘I’m worried that this isn’t real, that you won’t be there when I wake up.’_

“Would you like to lie down?” He offers. He’s a little surprised when Dean nods, but even more when he pulls the covers from under his body and slides under them, into the bed. Right next to Castiel, who feels like his heart is pounding and is doing his absolute best to keep his breathing calm and even. He’s not sure if it’s because he confessed his feeling after repressing them for a decade or if it’s just a side effect of not having his grace to control his emotions anymore, but it has become so hard to hide how in love he is every time they’re in the same room, and the last thing he wants is to make Dean more uncomfortable than he already is. 

He’s lying still, on his back, but can’t help but turn his head towards Dean’s side of the bed. Castiel can’t really see him in the dark, but guesses the shapes of his body and realizes that Dean is lying on his side, facing him. He sheepishly asks:

“This okay?”

“Of course.” Castiel replies and Dean finally seems to relax a little. After a few minutes of silence, his doubts are confirmed: Dean didn’t come to talk. The closeness between them is reassuring though, and Castiel closes his eyes to let the slumber takes over, hoping Dean will fall asleep quickly as well because he definitely deserves some rest. 

When Castiel reopens his eyes, he feels a strong pressure on his chest and realizes that he has trouble breathing. Everything around him is dark and silent, the only sounds being his heart pounding in his head. He tries to calm himself down, tries to move but he’s just paralyzed. He desperately tries to take a deep breath, tries to tell himself that the Empty has never been so good at manipulating his dreams, despite a creative imagination, that he must be out because everything had felt too real, but the panic is too strong and entirely controlling his body. He lets out a whimper, but all of a sudden, he feels warmth on his wrist and he’s able to move again.

Eventually, he’s able to breathe again, and his heart rate slowly calms down. He turns to his side to get closer to the warmth and can feel a very much real Dean, slightly snoring a few inches from him. He must have somehow felt Castiel’s anxiety in his sleep because the warmth that brought the angel back to reality is the hunter’s callous hand on his skin, his fingers circling his wrist.

As quietly as he can, Castiel moves closer to Dean’s body, almost touching, and spends a long time listening to his even breaths before falling asleep again. 

When he wakes up the next morning, he feels a lot better. He turns to look at Dean, although his hand is not touching him anymore, their bodies are still close enough that he can feel the heat radiating from the hunter’s body. 

Castiel quietly checks his phone on the nightstand and realizes that they’ve been asleep for about seven hours. He thinks about Dean’s prayer and is pretty sure that the hunter hasn’t slept that much since they defeated Chuck. And he was barely even sleeping before that, so it’s good to see him getting a good night of sleep. He smiles as he admires how peaceful his friend finally looks in his sleep, the eternal frown caused by stress slowly fading away. 

He gets up, trying his best to not make any noise as he knows hunters can be light sleepers and get easily startled, but Dean seems to feel safe enough because he doesn’t even budge. Castiel gets to the kitchen only to find that Sam is already there, frying some eggs. 

“Morning Cas, slept well?” he asks, joyful. 

“It’s taking me a minute to get used to sleeping again, but I did eventually. Thank you.” Castiel replies as he’s handed a plate full of warms eggs and some toast. 

He’s heading towards the table to sit down when Sam casually asks: “Dean’s still asleep?’

“Yes.” Castiel replies immediately, without thinking. He then realizes that Dean probably wouldn’t want his brother to know they’ve slept in the same bed, so he quickly starts talking again. “I mean, I believe he is. I haven’t seen him around, have you?”

Sam smiles, seeing how flustered Castiel is, and explains: “I found Miracle waiting outside of your bedroom door this morning. I went to check Dean’s bedroom and it was pretty obvious that he didn’t sleep in his bed last night. Quite easy to figure it out from there.” Seeing that the angel looks embarrassed, and isn’t saying anything, he adds: “Hey, I won’t mention it if it’s a touchy subject, even though it’s very tempting to tease my brother about it. But if you need to talk about what’s happening between you two, I’m here to listen.”

Castiel smiles, grateful. He’s so focused on his relationship with Dean sometimes that he tends to forget what an amazing friend Sam has been to him. 

“Nothing’s happening.” Cas replies and Sam raises an eyebrow, clearly not believing him. As he starts talking again, he looks a lot more serious. 

“Look Cas, I don’t even know what happened the night you died. I know that you made a deal and were able to summon the Empty, that it took you away with Billie, and that you saved Dean, but that’s it. I know there’s more to it, but Dean wouldn’t talk about it. I could see how hard it was on him, but there was nothing I could do to help. I could see him lose hope every day, as you weren’t coming back, and I didn’t know if he’d ever get over it. So whatever is happening now, I just want to make sure you’re both happy, because you sure deserve it.”

“The deal that I made with the Empty is that it wouldn’t come to take me until I experience a moment of pure happiness.” Sam nods as he’s listening, still not understanding what exactly happened. “So I told Dean how amazing I think he is, how he’s made me a better person, and then I told him I was in love with him.” Sam gasps. “And then, the Empty took me away, because I didn’t need Dean to respond to be happy, I just needed to be honest with him and let him know how I felt. How I feel.” Cas pauses. “We haven’t talked about it yet. “ Sam rolls in eyes. “I said everything I had to say that night, so we’ll have this talk on his terms, when he’s ready. I’m just happy to be back and I’ll take whatever he gives me. Even if we want different things. Being part of this family, being your friend, it means everything to me. I don’t need him to return my feelings, as long I can be here.” Castiel says with a smile, but Sam can see the underlying sadness that comes with pining for someone, and can’t believe how clueless both of them can be. 

He’s known their bond was special for years, and can’t believe that Castiel still thinks that Dean doesn’t have feelings for him, even after the long hugs, the lingering looks and touches, and literally spending the previous night in the same bed. He knows it’s not in place to interfere though, no matter how much he wants to, so he settles for comforting words instead. 

“Thank you for telling me.” He says, sincerely. “Thank you for loving my brother, and taking care of him the way you do. I know he doesn’t see it, but he deserves it. And you deserve it too.” Castiel huffs at that, so Sam repeats it, louder. "You do deserve it, you both do. Look, I don’t exactly know what’s going on in his head because he’d never talk to me about that, but I know him, and I know he’ll come around eventually. I wish I could shake him and make things go faster, but I don’t think that’s the best approach when it comes to Dean. Hopefully, he won’t make you wait another decade, but I’m sure that conversation will be worth the wait.” He says before leaving the room, leaving Castiel deep in his thoughts, hoping that Sam is right. 

The rest of the day is quiet. They each find something to keep busy, enjoying this newfound freedom. Dean and Castiel don’t talk that much, although the hunter seems less reluctant to be left alone in a room with him. He does disappear most of the afternoon though, claiming that they need a refill on groceries and that he’s taking Eileen with him, insisting she has better taste than Sam in food, and that she’ll help him pick plenty of different foods for Cas to try, now that he has taste buds again.

They don’t disappoint, and they also bring him some clothes back, including some flannel, "because it's the Winchester trademark" Dean says, making the angel feel incredibly pleased. He had noticed earlier that his and Jack's name has been carved next to Dean, Sam, and Mary, but every reminder that they really considered him part of their family was heartwarming.

Later, as they gather for dinner, he smiles as he watches Dean slipping some food under the table for Miracle, making sure Sam doesn’t catch him. He blushes when he realizes that Cas has been staring, but winks at him and smiles. The angel feels his throat tighten as he realizes how easy happiness is now, that every moment spent together, every smile makes him feel lighter.

He helps Eileen wash the dishes after dinner, and then they hang out in the kitchen, drinking tea and exchanging stories. Eileen ends up faking a yawn after a while and Castiel smiles knowingly when she tells him that she should go find Sam and head to bed. He's glad they've found each other.

He takes his time to finish his tea and he's about to stand up to rinse his cup when Dean storms in, and makes a beeline for the fridge to grab a beer. He seems disturbed, and Castiel clears his throat to signal his presence. Dean jumps when he realizes he's not alone.

"Hey, what are you up to?" he asks, obviously trying to look composed even though the angel can't be fooled.

"I was just going to head to bed. Is everything..." Castiel tries to ask but he's quickly interrupted by the hunter.

"And earlier today, when Eileen and I were gone, what were you up to then? He abruptly asks.

“Just a bit of cleaning, organizing. Sam went over the laundry process with me again.” Castiel replies, not sure where their conversation was going.

“And by cleaning, do you mean the dungeon?” Dean asks, finally getting to the point.

“Yes. Sam and I were talking as we were reorganizing the library and he mentioned at some point that nobody had touched the room since the night I disappeared. I thought it could use a little scrubbing.“ Castiel proudly replies. Seeing the frown on Dean’s face, he’s worried he might have overstepped in a way. “Is that a problem? That sigil wasn’t effective anymore but if you think we might need it, I can replicate it.”

“No!” Dean shouts, startling them both. “No, it’s not that. Sorry, I…” He says his voice much lower this time. “I’ve been meaning to clean it up, I just haven’t been able to… it was too hard.” He adds with a strangled voice. When he raises his head again to look at Castiel, he can see a strange shimmer in his eyes, and the look reminds him so much of that night that he can feel his throat close up and his eyes tearing up too.

“You were gone. ” Dean whispers. “Everything happened so quickly. I felt like I was going crazy Cas, and that was the only proof I had of what actually happened. I just walked past that room, saw that it looked like nothing happened, and... I freaked out I guess." Dean confesses, ashamed.

“I’m sorry I shouldn’t have…” Cas apologizes.

"No, it’s fine. You’re back now, that’s all I need. There’s just been a lot going on, and now there’s a lot of moving on to do, moving forward and I have no idea what I’m doing.” Dean says, dropping his head to avoid his gaze again.

“Oh, Dean.” Castiel says, putting a hand on the hunter's shoulder, the one he always touches, a gesture they both know so well now and that seems to be enough for Dean’s last walls to crumble. He crashes against the angel, arms around his shoulders, holding him tight.

“You’re doing great.” The angel whispers in a soothing tone. “You’ve been through so much, there’s been a lot of trauma in your life, and despite all of that, and you’re still the best man I’ve ever met.”

They stand in silence for a while. Dean reveling in the words, so similar to what Castiel had said before he died, but this time, it wasn’t ending with him getting sucked in the Empty. He would be able to think about those words in the future and it won't only bring back awful memories.

“Of course, if there’s anything else you want to talk about, I’m here.” The angel adds, still holding him.

Dean gulps, knowing that even though Castiel is giving him an out, the confession is always on his mind too. 

“I’m good.” He says. “Let’s get to bed.” He adds, grabbing the angel’s hand to lead him towards his bedroom. He doesn’t seem to realize what he’s doing until they enter Castiel’s room and finally drops his hand before lying down on the bed and staring at the ceiling.

Castiel quickly changes into his pajamas, which are still Dean’s clothes because that’s the one thing Eileen and him didn’t buy today, and the angel didn’t say anything because he loves wearing the hunter’s worn t-shirt and soft pants. He lies down on the bed too and turns the bedside light off, ready to spend another night surrounded by Dean’s warm presence. However, as soon as they’re in the dark, the hunter starts tossing and turning in the bed, restless.

“Are you alright?” Castiel asks softly.

“Yeah, I guess I never realized that my bed was the comfiest in the bunker. I thought everybody had a memory foam mattress. We should get you one.”

Cas nods, absent-mindedly and lets out a non-committal grunt. He wants to suggest that Dean should spend the night on his comfortable bed, but he’s afraid that he might take it as a rejection from Cas, or worse, take his word for it and move back to his room.

After another minute though, Dean finally stops moving and when Castiel turns his head towards him, he realizes that Dean has chosen the exact same position as the night before, lying on his side, facing him. He can’t tell for sure in the darkness, but he believes the hunter is staring straight at him. He slowly shifts in the bed, so he can face him as well, and for a while, they’re just lying on their sides, their bodies close, listening to each other’s breathing, trying to guess each other’s features in the dark. Then, a hand comes to rest on Castiel’s cheek. He tries his best not to flinch at the sudden warmth, even though he’s surprised because he doesn’t want it to go away.

“I’m so glad you’re back. It didn’t really feel like a win without you.” Dean whispers before letting out a shaky sigh. Castiel doesn’t move for a bit, because he realizes that the hunter is taking advantage of the dark to say what he couldn’t when they were talking in the kitchen, and he wonders if now if the moment they’re going to acknowledge the declaration Castiel made that night. Dean doesn’t say anything else though, but his fingers softly start tracing patterns on the angel’s skin, leaving goosebumps behind them.

“I’m very thankful to be here as well.” Castiel replies, glad that Dean can’t see the tears that his words have brought to his eyes, but hoping he can hear the smile in his voice. He almost regrets talking, because it seems to bring Dean back to reality and he drops his hands.

“Goodnight Cas.” He says with a strangled voice.

“G’night.” Castiel replies as he feels himself slipping away.

When he wakes up the next morning, he’s startled by the warmth he feels against his skin. He opens his eyes and realizes that at some point during the night, he has gotten much closer to Dean and has draped an arm around the hunter’s waist, holding him close. They’re still facing each other, so he can also feel Dean’s breath against his forehead. Even though the touch feels incredibly good, it also breaks his heart a little because he knows that it’s probably unwelcomed, or not wanted in the way he wants it. He makes sure to swiftly remove himself, gets out of bed, and start his day.

Like the previous one, as soon as Dean is up, they pretend that nothing has changed in their relationship. It’s like they didn’t spend the past couple of nights in the same bed, almost cuddling. Like Dean doesn’t know how desperately in love Castiel is.

Everything feels suffocating after that realization, and Castiel decides that he needs some air. He lets everybody know that he needs to go for a walk. “I need to clear my head.” He adds as sees Sam’s look, and is pretty sure he’s about to offer to come with him. As he gets to the top of the stairs, at the bunker’s entrance, he realizes that Miracle has been following him, and as he looks at the dog’s sad face, he finally understands what Dean means when he talks about Sam’s “puppy eyes”.

“Fine, you can come with me.” He tells the dog as they step out of the bunker.

It doesn’t take long until they find a field and the dog seems happy enough to run around and chase squirrels. It gives Castiel the opportunity to sit against a tree, look at the sky, and pray to Jack. He lets him know how proud and grateful he is, how being back is an adjustment but how good it feels to be reunited with his family. He doesn’t mention what’s going on with Dean, but he’s pretty sure that Jack knows, or can feel his longing at the very least. Once he’d done praying, he closes his eyes, lets his head fall against the tree behind him, and takes the time to enjoy the warm feeling of the sun on his face, the smell of the trees and flowers around him, the sound of the birds chirping, and the softness of Miracle’s fur as he comes to snuggle against him.

When they finally walk back to the bunker, after one last “Thank you” sent to Jack, he feels much better, lighter.

He still misses Jack, and he misses his grace, but being outside, just enjoying the feeling of being alive has reminded him of how lucky he feels just to be there. He smiles as Dean calls him out as soon as he sees him, saying that he’s been waiting for him to come back to start getting dinner ready. He joins him, Sam, and Eileen in the kitchen and they share another meal full of laughter, as Dean tries to sign something to Eileen and ends up confusing two signs, saying something completely inappropriate instead. After dinner, the four of them pile up in the Dean Cave to watch episodes of Scooby-doo and tell Eileen about the time that they ended up in it and Castiel smiles fondly at the memory, the melancholy he felt earlier long forgotten.

On that third night though, Dean doesn’t say anything as they get ready to go to sleep. So, Cas brushes his teeth and heads straight to his bedroom, only to find it empty. He’s disappointed, but Dean did mention the previous night that his bed was more comfortable, and it’s not like he invited him to come to his room. Maybe it was his way to gently let him know that he wouldn’t be sharing Castiel’s bed anymore. Maybe he had woken up at some point, with the angel holding him, and had remembered that there were still a lot of unspoken things between them, that the embrace was less than platonic, and had decided that he needed some space.

Trying his best to ignore the pit in his stomach, he gets under the covers, already missing Dean’s warmth. He’s pretty sure it’s pathetic, but he falls asleep with his head buried in the pillow the hunter was using the previous nights, to catch the faint scent of his shampoo and feel less lonely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stay tuned for chapter 3 coming in a few days, by next weekend at the latest!


End file.
